I was charmed Yesterday

I wanted to cry today. Just cry. Not for any particular person or reason. I was charmed yesterday Damn I hate sequels. Anyways since my friend asked...what happened to the man who charmed me............

I don't know what love is? But I have always wanted to fall in love. Wanted to give my everything, from body to mind, all my pride, all my fears, all my weaknesses, all my anger, all my laughter, to this one person who would take care of all of them. All my dispositions are meant to find that one person. I didn't know who would he be, didn't know how he'd look or sound...just knew this much that he would be some one who stands out. So everytime I came accross one such person who looked different I would wonder...if he is the one.

In my early 20s I used to think when I find one such person I'll marry him. With time I got so cynical at the institution of marriage that everything about it started bothering me. Now am about to turn 30 and have lost all intentions of ever getting into a marriage. Some may say that this is because I could never find that man. May be. But the point is, by mid 20s my mind set was such that any man walking the tried and tested path which led to a home, wife, kids and car, ceased to be some one who stands out in my eyes. In effect, on today's date, men in general fail to impress me.

However there are always those original sins I am tempted to commit. A 'desire' to be a part of that man's life..whose life I find unusual. Men who didn't and wouldn't walk the tested path. When I come accross one such man I casually befriend him (keeping my exitement of having found him very secret), Keep a safe distance, lest he gets concious, but keep him in my mind nonetheless.

-------------------------------------------

Now what happens when one such man walks into my life on his own and knocks on my door? Hard to resist such temptations. Not that I don't try.

So I asked him,

"Who are you and what are you doing with me? What, a guy as dazzling as you are is doing with a girl like me. Still trying to figure out why is lady luck
suddenly so glad at me.....

And I wondered

may be you are trying to grab that last streak of freedom slipping out of
your hand.. may be you know u are in the last stage of your bachelorhood and
that's why trying to make the best of it.... by being with me for a while....

And I said

so am not sure if this conversation went grt from ur side coz u were trying
to find a sponge...or r u always good at conversation... if it's the former...
chances r we'd be talking for some more days.......till u come out of a
phase....and if it's the latter chances are we could be good friends...

So he gave very convincing answers to all my worst fears and why won't he... after all he is some one 'I' found outstanding. Of all the things he said one was mentionable...

u decide....wat u want to do ..sam.... if u dont want me near u...then am
gonna miss you..but i am gonna keep an eye out for u sam..like it or
not...

Finally I could negotiate (with my fears) at a time period of 3 months...maximum that he is gonna be around...interestingly we did not (rather he did not) keep in touch for more than 10 days. I was back at wondering what went wrong....why just 10 days. So I go back to our chat conversations, emails.....

I think I know what happened... I did the mistake of being honest with him, of telling him what was on my mind. I told him he was like my dream man walking straight out of my dreams. He got scared. Scared of me pinning hopes on him.

Said

i get the feeling that i might be doing you more harm than good by just
hanging around you...and it was never my intention to harm or hurt you
Sam...!!

I wanted to explain him that I am not your average girl next door waiting to catch a big fish (read suitable boy), tie a knot (read marriage) and rest in peace (open to interpreatation). Wanted to tell him meeting my dream man means nothing to me for I don't know what is to be done with these dream men. Are we supposed to marry them when we meet them? are we supposed to fall in love? what is love? what do we do after we fall in love? Marry? Wanted to explain him I was not going to cling on him or create trouble for him by gettomg into an emotional hysteria.

But I couldn't tell him these [and therefore I am blogging?]. We didn't really talk. He suddenly got this so called feeling and started distancing [compared to whatever closeness we had for a week] himself from me. He thought phasing out was the best idea.

The irony of the whole story is this......He did tell me he was into a five year old relationship which had turned bitter.... and the bitterness started when he got scared of marriage.....and that he was still scared....... But he never told me his marraige was just round the corner...... 10-12 days from now. If he would have told me I wouldn't have answered any of his knocks. Damn!

In today's world of connectivity its hard to wipe off someone's existence from your life. So I deleted his number from my cell, but the sms were there, deleted them and realised the number was saved in call records. Cell is clean now but I got him on orkut and Gtalk. Assuming I delete him from there also I can always bump into him in the Courts....like I did into Ronnie. Its a small world really.

All said and done the truth remains he charmed me......... with everything, his sensous voice, carefree attitude, sharp looks, intelligence, confidence...... Having met him just once..... I felt I was wrong when I said "love can never happen one sided", I could identify with the feelings of that friend to who I always adviced, "dump him he doenst loves you". To me, he came accross as someone who can be as jerky as he wants and yet the emotional fool in me would want to give him my every thing to him.....
-----------------------------------------------
To you, if you reading this, this is my truth, my bitterness and compliments all packaged together for you, we might never meet again in this life, She must be some one really special and deserving. Take care. Good Bye. Could have mailed you. But no. You get to know me only when you make an over effort to know me i.e. read my blog.
-----------------------------------------------
Updates on my life otherwise:

Oops I did it again. Have quit my job again. Don't feel good about it but have a strong feeling whatever happened is for good. I might shift base out of Delhi... wow seems like those hindi film situations......one of them getting married and the other is rushing towards airport to catch a plane....duur kahin ek nayi zindegi ke talaash mein.... Kahani puri filmy hai veeru.

The other charming man of 2006 my good friend is getting married on 29th of this month. I might not be attending. I am on a spree of not attending any wedding celebration. Had already missed one. Two more are lined up. A school friend 20 years of strong friendship. Then there is my closest cousin bro.

Been 4 days at a row have spent time only with myself. Didn't step out of home, folks gone to calcutta for cousin's wedding. Been at loneliness 100%. Feels good.

When the night comes

When the nights come
keep me away from you,
from everything that could lead me to you
casue I would hurt you.

When the nights come
all my worst fears
like victorious soldiers of the war
drag me to the dance floor.

When the night comes
I find an uncanny pleasure
in celebrating my fears
being scared of every nice thing around me.

When the night comes
I turn ugly to fight my fears
and so I hurt them
those who claim to be nice to me.

Life at the T point

I always stand at a particular place on my office terrace, to have my sutta. There is a T-point there accross the road. Off late I have picked up an interesting habit to stand there 'combusting the significant 5 mins of my life' while keeping an eye on that t-point and everything that happens there.

A t-point is a point on the road from where you can either take a left or a right, there's no going ahead. The first time I casually had a look at it, it struck me how in life I have had to stand in so many of these t-points. You can't keep walking from here on, you've got to think, take a decision and then take a new direction.

I see cars, scooters, tempos, cycle rikshaws, bycles and pedestrians coming along the straight path hitting the t-point and then taking a turn. Some how I can relate it to the journey of life.

All motor vehicles have to slow down at this point before they take a turn. The bigger the vehicle is the larger is the fall in speed. A car coming at the speed of 5o have to lower down to 25 to take the turn. While a two wheeler, a bike specially, coming at 50 would only slow till 35 and take the turn. In life when these turning points come you need to slow down. You need to think about the consequences of your decision...direction. If you are alone you would take the turn differently than you would if you have a family with you. If you are big in life, you have people who watches every move of yours, you have followers, you have people who depend on you... taking a decision is all the more difficult then. While if you are a small insignificant soul no one cares what you do you are more free to take your decision.

Most people already know which side they'd take, they have already changed their lane accordingly and when the point comes they smoothly take the turn. Few of them however seem to be lost when they reach the point. They look around, some of them take a look at a piece of paper which might be an address, some don't carry address, they follow their gut feeling or at the most they ask some one around. In life it helps to pre decide where you want to go, it's best if you carry the address of your destination. But if all of us did that no one would stop for a while. No one would connect to another soul at that point. No one would ask and eventually there would be no one left to answer.

I see most take a left turn. There is a market on the left side, on the right there are only houses. Market is the place where we all have to be. You have your bread and butter there and the money to buy them. You have the bricks to build your home, you have blood and sweat all there in the market. Home is where peace is. Yet we spent most of the time of our life in the market always longing to reach home.

And then one day I thought when I write my autobiography I'll call it "Life at the t-point" Interestingly a T can also connote a woman figure, also a vagina.......well that makes sense, my biography would have a lot of sex talk, it would have my tryst with all the men in my life, it will speak scornfully about how relationships are all about sex, which is not so bad *wink* after all..... Yeah right, what, a soon to be 30 year old virgin, would write about sex I wonder. Well who cares how much of it is gonna be biographical so long as it sells…I will cook up something… *wink* and *Grin*

Holy shit (btw who coined this phrase of exclamation) too much of thinking, that too such scandalous thinking, over a silly t-point. If this kind of unethical literary torture continues on my blog next thing we'll hear is they have ordered to block my blog and remove all t-points from roads of Delhi.

And this is the final blow. A poem (or so I think) I wrote today. Next post.

"Met a great guy today...he was wow...simply wow.. am charmed."

When was the last time I said that...lemme go back in time... checking out the archives of my blog would suffice. Some where in the mid of Feb this year here is that post. Two in a year, not bad, its progress rather, given the fact that the february crush happened after almost 6 long years. For the records I am talking about this feeling of being charmed instantly, it's not like in 6 years I didn't go out with or see any body.

As always the twain shall never meet, they didn't meet, they won't meet, in fact they don't meet ever, not in flesh, blood and sweat and tell you what...they need not meet. The twain are both lucky to even have come accross each other and that's what matters. Really??
------------------------------

If anything has influenced my life it is my own continuous thirst for adventure, variety and experimentation, and it’s this drive that has changed my whole life over the years. From being an ordinary middle class girl, as naïve as she can be, ready to fall in love, get married, I transformed myself into a rebellious feminist, a cynic, an atheist, a creative writer…non believer, non conformist, all being results of my own tryst with concepts like love, lust, sex, desire, beauty, morality, marriage etc.

-------------------------------------------

"We get married because we want a witness to our lives." - Susan Sarandon said in Dance with Me. I blog, or say write for the same reason.